What If....

August 9th 2023

We got matched on Tinder and you messaged me first, asking about what shouldn't you missed while you were on your vacay in Bali.

With no expectation at all (as I gave up on dating app), I just gladly gave you some recommendations.
As a 'thank you', you offered me a coffee date.

 

August 11th 2023

Felt like the universe was in our side, we made it with the coffee date and spent the whole night together too. It was a nice well-spent time, from coffee to pizza and some drinks. 

 

August 12th 2023

The morning next day, as we separated, I just thought it wont getting anywhere. I hoped for nothing. Then in the evening, you messaged me asking how was my gym session. And you shared your plans for next few days and asked me whether if it possible for me to be part of  it. I was a bit surprise, because I didn't think you would ask me for that.

Then all were flowing naturally. You kept updating me your activities and else. As I had the online training, it really felt that the universe was on my side to support me to be able to get closer with you. We spent a lot of time together and was able to know each other more. The time I spent with you were amazing. 

 

August 30th 2023

'Till the last day when we separated, I still remember how was I feel. And in our last hug, you asked me to keep on contact with you. Never had I thought about this thing. It made me really happy, but still pessimist at the same time. I didn't want to have high expectation. It was a holiday fling for you, like all the past matches before you.

But I was wrong. We never missed a day without talking through chats or phone calls. You shared your things with me. I shared mine with you. We had nice time.

2 weeks after all the intense attention you gave me, as I got confused for the situation we had, I asked you for our status. You gave a vague answer. You said, I was special for you and you wanted to know me better. You didn't want to give us label yet. I was happy but still full with confusiousness. But I was still happily doing the situationship with you.

2 more weeks past, I asked you once again. I didn't want to waste my time, as I realized I started to have feeling for you. But again, you didnt want to give a clear answer. It hurt me tbh.

 

September 28th 2023

I went for a date with a Tinder matched. I told you and you were angry (?). We argued for few hours. You (again and again) told me, I was the only one you were putting your attention to. You still need time to know me better. I hated it, as you didn't want to give a clear answer: YES or NO for our exclusivity. At the same time, you didn't want me to looking for another man. It's like you were just playing safe and I hate it. Fool me, because the feeling I had for you, I kept following your plan, back in that situationship.

 

Saturday 30th 2023

Me again who asking about us. And you asked me, what is the thing I want for us. And I anwered: "I wanted you to be my BF and I became yours'. And you just said: "Yes! We are". 

But now, after everything was over, I realize you never asked me to be with you. You didnt really want me to be your gf. I was the one who many times asked you to be willingly to be my BF. I was the one who pressed you to do so. But I never realized it until the time we finally break up.

October to December 2023

Every day with messages, telling each other what we were doing, etc. Phone and video calls during the weekend. 

I thought I get to know you better. But I still felt afraid to be open 100% with you. It was my fault, didn't  tell you in the first place. It is so difficult for me to trust people and give my all. I was scared of getting hurt. But I started to be more open with you. But maybe for you it was too slow. But one thing you need to know, it was hard for me to do so. But I tried.

Moreover, sometimes I felt that you didn't really care about my un-interesting story of my day. So I just happily listened and reacted to your story.
At the time I felt so low and need you, it was so difficult to get for your time and attention. I felt rejected. Again my fault, I take a step back and became silent. But never talked about it after. I just kept it for my self, which finally became a ticking time bomb.

Last week of December to mid of January 2024

I think, that was one of our best time together. (I think) we get to know each other better. We had nice calls and chats. You sent me a Happy New Years exactly at the 00.00 on 1st of January. You didn't know how happy I was at the time. But sorry if I didn't show you,

We talked about your next visit which getting closer. I really, really, really excited. I couldn't wait to finally to be able to meet and hug you in real life again.

I tried to fit all my plan on your next visit, because I wanted to spend it well with you. I didn't want to waste any time. Moreover it'll be your 32nd birthday. I wanted it to become special for you.
I even made a plan to visit you on June as I want my birthday to spend it with you too. I really was that HAPPY and EXCITED even it's just still plans.

Saturday, January 27th 2024

I had a bad day. Yah, I know, I shouldn't rely my happiness with others. But as you were something really special on my heart, I felt I need to share it with you and hoped you would cherish me that night on our night calls. But, you shattered my hope. You told me you couldn't make the call as you had a plan to visit your friends. You didnt tell me in advance when you made that plan with your friends, where we already had an unwritten deal to have our call every weekend.
I felt upset and disappointed. But I didn't tell you (again). I just gave a cold answer. Then you didn't gave any updates like you used to do when you were out with your friend. I was waiting 'till midnight, but you didn't send me anything. Seems like you have a nice time that made you forget about me. It upsetting me more until the next day.

Sunday, January 28th 2024

I know I was being to childish and emotional. I didn't think clear and wise. I still full with anger and upsets. I just wanted you to really asked me what was wrong. Because you never did, whenever I felt upset and took a distance from you. I did not sure, whether you were really care about me or not.

Then I throw the bomb and asked for a break up through the chat. You asked for a call, but just a phone call me with no face time. It did upset me more.

Then you said 'OK' for it, as you felt being rejected by me for the last couple weeks.
Who's the one being rejected here then? You or Me?
You also said, maybe we just had different expectation about this relationship.

What was your expectation then?
Because for me, my expectation was to be with you for a long time. For you to become whom I able to share my happiness and my vulnerable. For me to become one for you too.
I never had a chance to ask it to you. I still wondering what would be your answer.

And what hurt me more?
You said, you LIKE me a lot.
For all those months, for the thing I was afraid of.
We didn't have the same level of 'like'. You just like me, when I already started to love you.
I got the answer of my fear, our feelings are not the same.
I got speechless. We both silents for few minutes, as (maybe) we didn't have anythings that needed to talk about. Then we ended the call.

I thought I wouldn't be crying. Then 5 minutes passed, it was still okay for me, even tough I felt upset. 10 minutes passed, still the same. But in next 5 minutes, I felt stiff on my chest. Then I cried like a river. It felt so hurt and I cried for hours. That's the first time I ever felt that feeling.
I even needed helps from friends to keep me sane that night.  I called them in the middle of the night where I cried a lot.

Monday, January 29th 2024

It felt so unreal.
I didn't get any message anymore, where you say a good morning for me. I waited while crying in the morning, but you sent me nothing.
I couldn't wake up from my bed, waiting and waiting for you to reach out for me with me crying over and over again. But you didn't.
I even took a day off from work, thanks to my supervisor who allow me to.

It felt like I would going crazy if I stay at my room. I decided to go to gym where I hoped I will able to forget all the sadness. You know it as I always told you, gym is my best therapy.
But unfortunately, it didn't help me much. I did the exercises like a death one. Took few times to the toilet just to cry.
I didn't want to back to my place, because I knew I'll be only cry. But I should be, as I had no energy to be in the gym anymore.
That was the day I cry the most in my life this far. I still can remember how was it feel that day. The sadness, the hurt, and the rejection.

Tuesday, January 30th 2024

I couldn't hold my self. I sent you a message to shed all my anger, upsets, and my feeling. And after hours, you sent an a very short answer, very short where you still kept playing safe.

But that was a good decision for me to sent you that message. It really helped me to accept the truth. I was still sad and sometimes cry, but I got stronger than I thought. It even enabled me to told my stories to my sister and my best friend about the story how we broke up. I was also able to laugh about it.

After told them my story, yah, I realized, the break up was also my fault.
Without me realizing, I put an unseen wall around me, that prevent you from seeing the real me. I played childish by postponing the reply to your messages as a revenges for how you did many times read my messages but did not reply at the time you read it.
And this was the thing you said when you was felt being rejected by me. Sorry if I didn't validate it at the night we broke up. 

 

Saturday, February 3rd 2024

After days of thinking, I sent you another message asking for a time for a call with you. I wanted to apologize to you for the wrong things I did along the relationship. To be honest, part of me was hoping that we would able to get back together and tried to fix it.  But I realized, you indicated it would still may possible but not in the near time. You still need a time to think. Like the usual you, never able to give a firm answer
Tried to be strong, I said it's okay and end up the call nicely.
But it was not okay. It hit me a lot.
Days were passing by, but I still not able to forget you.
Every little thing made me remember of you. Our plan on your next visit, our daily routine when we shared story, the reels game on Instagram, and many more things.
When I do or try something new, I couldn't share the story anymore.
While I have something nice, I couldn't share the happiness with you anymore.
I really, really miss all those good time.

Thursday, February 8th 2024

Another calm day where it made me always to think about you. Again, I sent you a message. Asking for one more chance, as I did not able to accept the fact yet, whether we still have the chance to get back together. Hours were passing by when you sent another vague answer. As expected, still the usual you. Not giving me just a YES or NO. Again, might be possible but you didn't know when.
I gave up. I just accepted it as a no, but choose not to answer your message. I needed time to be really able to accept it.

Monday, February 12th 2024

Finally I felt strong enough to answer it, to say that I am accept your answer means  a NO to me.
Fool me, hoped for a good response from you, but until the next day, you still not read my message. It even still on the 1 tick. You didn't even want to read it. Or maybe you already blocked my number?
I don't know. But that time, finally I was able to delete our long hundreds days of messages. My good memories of sharing things with you. The things I tried to keep, to re-read while I missed you. 

Maybe that's the best thing I could do to help to to forget you faster. Even tough, even until now I still missing you. Miss you a lot.
I felt heavy on my chest, but I couldn't even cry. 

So after all those things, it made me think, "What if in the first time we matched and had chat, I didn't accept for your offer to meet over coffee?". Or "What if after the coffee, I directly went back to my place so we wouldn't spend much time and we would not spend the night together that made you inviting me to be part of your time in Bali".

Or  "What if you just stopped sending me messages after you get back to your country?" By doing that, you'll be just like my other matches who had holiday flings with me, on their vacay here.
It would be much better for me. Because I would not fall for you and had any attachment with you.

But if I can turn back the time, I wish I didn't swipe right on your profile, so you would not able to send me the first message. If it was never happened, we for sure would never get to know each other in the first place.

 

I was wrong. I thought the universe was on my side, by giving all the coincidences which helped us to know each other and get closed to each other. In fact, she was not. The universe might be just playing with me. Playing with my heart by allowing me to meet you and get my heart shattered.

I know I should be really move on. It's really hard, but I should.
You were right with the expectation, I should have never had it that high.

Sorry, but I don't think I can say thanks to you for all the memories, because it feel hurt in the end.
I wish I never felt it that way.

Office,
15.36 pm Bali's time
February 19th 2024